Finding Faith

 

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Faith is a funny thing….

Sometimes you feel it, deep within your heart and soul.

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It calms your fears and eases your pain.  It gives you a sense of peace and hope. It protects you and keeps you safe. It is huge and encompassing. It is small and gentle.

Faith…believing that anything is possible.

And other times you seek it.

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Times when you can’t find your way because you are blinded by the darkness. You know what faith feels like. But when overwhelming  fear and doubt and worry combine, it can seem as if faith has left you…all alone in a storm that rages around you.

This is the path I find myself on right now. And I don’t recognize it.

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A pink slip, handed out to me and every teacher in my school, because our budget did not pass. Our wonderful little school may have to close.

It will be ok we are told. Things will work out they say. We are not sure we can believe them.

Our faith tries to speak up.  But the dark and harsh reality pushes it away.  This is almost too much. Fear looms and threatens…

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My faith.

I want to run and hide.

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Old thinking comes back into my head. It steals my hope and tires my spirit…

The world, always so sparkly and bright

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Seems dull and pale.

Tears brim…I fight them

But they spill over

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I pray and ask why? Why is this happening?

But no answer comes.

More than anything I want to know…

Where did my faith go?

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It has never left me before.

I was always able to fan its flames back to life.

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There are only embers now.

I want to believe what Edward Teller says.

My heart desperately wants to cling to the hope that out of this, my faith will return and teach me to fly…

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For now though…I walk lightly and quietly

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Looking, searching, seeking faith

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13 thoughts on “Finding Faith

  1. So beautifully written out of the darkness. I am sorry that you are going through this.
    I don’t know if this will help, but I will share it. When I was in that place, someone told me to pray every day, “Tell me what to do, and I will do it.” And that it may take awhile to get the answer, but you will.
    In the meantime, know that I will sit there with you wherever you are.

  2. Tracy, do not worry. What will be, will be. Take good care of yourself during this time and turn your worries over. Losing a job is never easy (I had it happen to me too) but one door closes and another one opens. God has great plans for you! xo Joanne

  3. This is much, much more serious than my ‘bad review!’ Boy, oh boy! I cannot believe this happened! I am so sorry about the pink slips for all and the poorly managed budget. You are doing extraordinary work and this is not a good thing to happen, at all! You are in my prayers and definitely I am not going to ‘promise you a rose garden’ or any other cheerful thoughts, I will just commiserate with YOU! Love and hugs, Robin

  4. On May 6th, I will certainly be sending lots of prayers and kind thoughts and wishes for your school levy to pass! I have been where you are, only it was not getting my Master’s last 3 courses done, since they were offered during the day and I had to work to try to save things… you have heard that story. I don’t wish it on anyone! I miss teaching but grandchildren, family and friends, fill in lots of gaps in my daily walk in Life.

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