Rocks In My Head

I have a thing for rocks. In fact it might be called an obsession. I can look at them for hours. I am fascinated by their shape, color, texture, and uniqueness. Like fingerprints. And just as often, I find myself taking some home, filling my pockets or backpack. There are rocks in my car. There are rocks in my house. I’m beginning to think there are rocks in my head…

Rocks tell a story about the place they are found and about our earth. Rocks have gone through cycles and changes. Rocks endure and transform. They get battered and tossed around in raging rivers and ocean tides. They undergo extremes temperatures and pressure. They can be polished smooth or left rough. Each one beautiful in its own way.

Rocks have a mysterious side as well. A sacredness to their ability to withstand time and the elements. They are present everywhere and have been used to navigate and guide and mark spiritual places upon the land.

Rocks symbolize strength, stability, and being grounded. They represent different things to different cultures and throughout history. They are a source of power and healing. They are mined and quarried and examined and even coveted.

Mountains are made of rock. Violently thrusted and forced upward from the earth to form towering peaks. Steep and treacherous pinnacles to gentle rolling hills.

Rocks broken down over time become sand. And then begin changing again…back into a rock. Different yet in some ways the same. Combining with new minerals, forming bonds, and rebuilding. To see the world in a grain of sand…is not just the start of a lovely William Blake poem…but a way of seeing things from a new and clearer perspective. Slowing down and truly noticing the infinite beauty of the world around us.

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Maybe having rocks in my head isn’t such a bad thing after all…

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Recreating Tracy

There’s a quote that goes something like this:

When you love someone you give them the power to destroy you. But trust them not to.

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I was destroyed. I felt as though everything I had believed in, everything I felt and thought was true…wasn’t. And my world crashed.

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In AA we call this hitting bottom. You can be sober and still hit bottom. I never knew that until these past few months. And I found that when this happens I have choices. I can start again. I can learn and grow from the pain. Or I can stay at the bottom.

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I chose to see it as an opportunity. A time to rebuild, recreate, rediscover who I am. But this meant some work on my part. It also meant that I needed to first feel all the pain and anguish. I had to allow myself to feel it all and not run away or try escape from it.

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Then I needed to take a good hard look at myself and my role in it. Looking back through the wreckage of my past…relationships and experiences and mistakes. Looking for clues and answers. I had to look honestly at who I was. Because I don’t want to hit this same bottom again.

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It isn’t pretty this self examination. But it’s what we do. What we have to do to find serenity and peace when our world falls apart. We are works in progress. Always. It never stops.

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And this process involves finding ways to forgive. Ourselves and other people in our lives. Forgiveness is freedom. Hanging on to resentments and bitterness is not and only plunges us deeper into the abyss.

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I found I am stronger than I thought. I found inside of me a joy, that despite any darkness in my life, always finds a way to shine through. And I found that I possess many wonderful qualities and that I can work on the not so wonderful ones. They are not permanent flaws or defects.

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And most of all I found that my heart, while seemingly broken, really isn’t. Just bruised a bit. The human heart is an amazingly resilient thing. It is limitless in its ability to mend and heal. It can and will feel love again. It is what a heart is meant to do.

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So I’m recreating Tracy. I’m polishing some of the tarnished parts and discarding some ideas and thoughts that no longer are needed.

And keeping the essence of who I am…

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Happy 1 Year Anniversary!

Yes. It’s been a year. A year since I began writing here.

When I began this journey it was because a new chapter in my life had begun. I wanted to grow and learn from it. I wanted to feel and experience everything.  And I wanted to live life more fully and more deeply as I traveled down this new road.

It’s been a year of all those things and so much more. And I’ve realized that my story is only just beginning and that it has many chapters…and many roads. Some I did not expect and others that were truly extraordinary gifts.

So today I celebrate my first anniversary with a quote…and some of my favorite photographs from this past year.

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 I look forward to discovering what life has in store for me this year…

Journey From The Edge: Finding True North

A compass can help you find true north. It is a wonderful navigational tool.

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 But there is also a true north that is inside of us. An internal compass that guides our lives.

Sometimes, our compass is off. Sometimes, our compass needs adjusting. And sometimes, it takes an extraordinary experience to help us find our compass again…

And to have faith in new directions.

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As I head home from the edge, I realize that I have rediscovered my compass.

And that because of this journey, I have found my true north again.

I’m not sure where it will lead me or what I will discover and learn.

I only know that it’s working again…

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Journey to the Edge: The View is Glorious

Our last full day here.

I’m not sure words alone can describe the beauty and the magic of today.

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Luke, who is from Jamaica, called it “Brawta” which means extra in Patois.

It was more than any of us could have hoped for and more than we could ever dream of.

It was an extraordinary gift.

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Places and things that we hadn’t yet seen or experienced…until today.

Tomorrow we all leave.

Heading in many different directions and returning to our lives.

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But we will never forget…

The glorious view here at the edge.

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“…all you need to do is step outside and ride the energy of the earth, for there is always a brilliant sunrise, rolling fog, shifting seasons, and rising waters to experience; as well as new inviting lands to step foot on…..And the view is glorious.”

Victoria Erickson

 

Journey to the Edge: Lessons from the Arctic Circle

In this land of extremes…

There is so much to learn from the things that live, grow and thrive here.

From creatures large and small…

To the abundance of plants.

Each has a voice, a place, a purpose…no matter how small.

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And they are all connected.

Here on the edge…life is always changing.

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Everything must adapt.

As I spend my last full day here I think about everything I have felt and experienced.

The lessons I have learned.

I hope that this stays with me. I hope that I can stand strong in the face of adversity and when necessary adapt with grace to the changes in my life.

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Most of all I hope I never forget that life is all about living at the edge. Taking risks and not being afraid.

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Because the edge is where we learn to breathe and we learn to open ourselves to all the beauty life has to show us.

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It’s about taking leaps of faith, being inspired, and trusting in ourselves.

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I may be leaving here…

But this journey to the edge will always be a part of me.

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Journey to the Edge: The Search for Polar Bears

In the summer, the polar bears of the Hudson Bay region come ashore when the ice melts. It is here where they wait out the summer fasting, until the water freezes once again and they can go in search of food.

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I had no idea that it is actually more common to spot polar bears in the summer than any other time of year. Because they are closer to where humans live. Here at the center there have been many sightings…by other people.

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We have wanted to see a polar bear. And we have believed this to be a strong possibility. After all, whenever we go out into the field, we always have a bear guard with us.

During our day in town, some of us were fortunate enough to see some polar bears. I saw one from out in the bay that was on the beach. Others in my group saw a mother and her cub on a rocky point.

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But we have all wanted to really see some…up close. To feel that exhilaration…that excitement. After all they are not something we could ever see in our every day world.

So, our Earthwatch researchers have been kind enough to take us out polar bear searching. We are always escorted by a bear guard because this isn’t something you do lightly. It is serious. And polar bears are very dangerous.

We still have not seen any polar bears up close. We saw one far off in the distance tonight and it was so fascinating to watch him through binoculars as he ambled through the rocky terrain.

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However, in our search, our quest for the elusive (to us) polar bear, we have traveled to some beautiful places along the shore. We have taken pictures and soaked up the magnificence of this special place. We have stood on glacial rock formations and looked out across a bay that is as endless as the ocean. We have enjoyed time together. Forming bonds and connections that will last long after our time here is done.

We still hope we see more polar bears. But we are enjoying the search and this journey together…here at the edge.

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