Recreating Tracy

There’s a quote that goes something like this:

When you love someone you give them the power to destroy you. But trust them not to.

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I was destroyed. I felt as though everything I had believed in, everything I felt and thought was true…wasn’t. And my world crashed.

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In AA we call this hitting bottom. You can be sober and still hit bottom. I never knew that until these past few months. And I found that when this happens I have choices. I can start again. I can learn and grow from the pain. Or I can stay at the bottom.

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I chose to see it as an opportunity. A time to rebuild, recreate, rediscover who I am. But this meant some work on my part. It also meant that I needed to first feel all the pain and anguish. I had to allow myself to feel it all and not run away or try escape from it.

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Then I needed to take a good hard look at myself and my role in it. Looking back through the wreckage of my past…relationships and experiences and mistakes. Looking for clues and answers. I had to look honestly at who I was. Because I don’t want to hit this same bottom again.

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It isn’t pretty this self examination. But it’s what we do. What we have to do to find serenity and peace when our world falls apart. We are works in progress. Always. It never stops.

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And this process involves finding ways to forgive. Ourselves and other people in our lives. Forgiveness is freedom. Hanging on to resentments and bitterness is not and only plunges us deeper into the abyss.

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I found I am stronger than I thought. I found inside of me a joy, that despite any darkness in my life, always finds a way to shine through. And I found that I possess many wonderful qualities and that I can work on the not so wonderful ones. They are not permanent flaws or defects.

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And most of all I found that my heart, while seemingly broken, really isn’t. Just bruised a bit. The human heart is an amazingly resilient thing. It is limitless in its ability to mend and heal. It can and will feel love again. It is what a heart is meant to do.

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So I’m recreating Tracy. I’m polishing some of the tarnished parts and discarding some ideas and thoughts that no longer are needed.

And keeping the essence of who I am…

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14 thoughts on “Recreating Tracy

  1. Beautifully said… Broken, or bruised, hearts are definitely a dangerous thing to our emotional sobriety. Sometimes, maintaining our emotional sobriety is much more difficult than maintaining our physical sobriety.

    • Very true Paige. After over 2 decades of sobriety I’m finally realizing just how important my emotional sobriety is. Thank you. I’m glad you found my blog so I could find yours!

  2. Having to look at ourselves is hard, isn’t it? I used to dread the thought of recreating myself. Now, I look forward to it. I’m finding that every day is another chance for something to fall out from under me, but I will continue looking for a better way. At least I’m not giving up any more. I love how you use your beautiful photography to speak to us.

  3. This was quite revealing and helped me, too. I am so glad you are so open and sharing. I sometimes forget that I am accountable for some of the responsibility. I have made mistakes with my children and relationships. This reminds me, am I really ready to start again? I would love to have it ‘easier,’ the next time, Tracy! Truly, we both deserve happiness, whether on our own, with our children or with someone new… someday, I hope! Smiles, Robin

    • I’ve been having some epiphanies lately!!!! Mainly about why this break up was so hard on me:-) We are always learning and hopefully growing right Robin??!!:-) Easier would be nice… Or just normal would be nice!!!!!! We will both be just fine! I know we will!!!! Hugs right back!

      • I am not sure about you, but I am not very normal, but would like to have the proximity to one who is! Maybe just a balance in characteristics, since it would be nice to be different but loved for those differences… Well, Tracy, I am glad you are having epiphanies lately! I am proud of all the time and effort you have put into growing and developing the You, I care about! I am haphazard, not so good at making changes within myself. Sometimes, I just want to be loved for who I am now! (Aren’t you guilty of sometimes ‘conforming’ more to the partner, than embracing the You? That is my problem, anyway!) Another hug, Robin

      • Yes guilty do that as well!! I love you just as you are Robin!! And I’m happy with myself as I am…I just learning to love me and be the Tracy I was before….:-) Hugs!!!!!!!❤️❤️❤️

  4. I have been working on me, for a year and half now.
    Thank you for sharing. Thank you for helping your readers.
    We are in this together.
    Here’s to Health and Wellness and pure goodness!
    Every single time I visit your blog, I find myself bathed in Grace and it feels lovely.
    Simply thank you.

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