There’s a quote that goes something like this:
When you love someone you give them the power to destroy you. But trust them not to.
I was destroyed. I felt as though everything I had believed in, everything I felt and thought was true…wasn’t. And my world crashed.
In AA we call this hitting bottom. You can be sober and still hit bottom. I never knew that until these past few months. And I found that when this happens I have choices. I can start again. I can learn and grow from the pain. Or I can stay at the bottom.
I chose to see it as an opportunity. A time to rebuild, recreate, rediscover who I am. But this meant some work on my part. It also meant that I needed to first feel all the pain and anguish. I had to allow myself to feel it all and not run away or try escape from it.
Then I needed to take a good hard look at myself and my role in it. Looking back through the wreckage of my past…relationships and experiences and mistakes. Looking for clues and answers. I had to look honestly at who I was. Because I don’t want to hit this same bottom again.
It isn’t pretty this self examination. But it’s what we do. What we have to do to find serenity and peace when our world falls apart. We are works in progress. Always. It never stops.
And this process involves finding ways to forgive. Ourselves and other people in our lives. Forgiveness is freedom. Hanging on to resentments and bitterness is not and only plunges us deeper into the abyss.
I found I am stronger than I thought. I found inside of me a joy, that despite any darkness in my life, always finds a way to shine through. And I found that I possess many wonderful qualities and that I can work on the not so wonderful ones. They are not permanent flaws or defects.
And most of all I found that my heart, while seemingly broken, really isn’t. Just bruised a bit. The human heart is an amazingly resilient thing. It is limitless in its ability to mend and heal. It can and will feel love again. It is what a heart is meant to do.
So I’m recreating Tracy. I’m polishing some of the tarnished parts and discarding some ideas and thoughts that no longer are needed.
And keeping the essence of who I am…