Transformation

As I watch the earth transform from autumn to winter, I know that I transforming too.

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The world around me seems to do it so effortlessly. A perfect tempo that the earth dances to as she follows her rhythm and the natural flow of change.

For me, this time of transformation has felt a little shaky and precarious. I have begun this journey of growth and of healing. The path is in front of me, waiting.

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But my pace sometimes falters and slows.

There are days where everything seems to fall into place. And life feels full of hope and possibilities.

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Yet there are other days when it feels as though I am moving through the fog. Unsure and tentative.

I wonder, why isn’t this easier by now? What keeps bringing me  back…to the past? And why do I linger there?

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When I know it is the present moment I must step into.

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And so I look to nature. I watch as she transforms. And I learn.

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“To everything there is a season. And to everything a time. A time to heal, a time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance…”

(Ecclesiastes)

I am transforming. At my own pace. And like nature, I am following my own rhythm.

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Gratitude

With Thanksgiving approaching, many of us begin to think about and share what we are thankful for.

In AA, gratitude is a part of our everyday lives and essential for our recovery. Gratitude is the grace we feel and the peace we find when we remember. And we can never forget. Each day is a precious gift.

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This past year has been a journey. A winding path with many twists and turns. A time of change and growth and awakening. I am so grateful for it. Thankful for everything that I have discovered and learned about myself. And for all I have yet to uncover and find.

I am grateful for…

Sunshine to warm my spirits even on the coldest of days.

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Colors that burst forth when the rest of my world has seemed pale and dull.

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Mountains to climb and conquer when my soul has felt weary.

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Ocean rhythms to soothe my troubled thoughts and mind.

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Adventures that have brought me out of the darkness and into my light.

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Breathtaking sunsets to remind me a new day is coming.

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Hearts along the way, letting me know I am heading in the right direction.

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And most of all for the strong and beautiful people who have walked beside me and supported me every step of the way.

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With love and gratitude.

Tracy

Betweens

November is a month of betweens. It lies between the end of fall and the beginning of winter.

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A space and time between. A pause. A period of stillness and waiting. Yet a time of contrasts. Of contradictions and change.

November is always a mystery.

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Here in Vermont, we are often surprised in November. Warm southern breezes followed by cold north winds. Sunshine and then…snow. No two days are alike.

I’ve learned to pause too. I’ve learned to change and adapt as the days get shorter and the darkness longer. I’ve learned to be open to November’s surprises and to it’s gifts.

Most of all I’ve learned to be present. To open my eyes and my heart to the gift of today…and to be grateful for the betweens.

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Growing Pleasure

I can remember as a young girl having growing pains. Actual physical pain as my body grew 6 inches in one year.

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I’m having growing pains again. A different sort of growth. A different sort of pain, in fact, I think I would rather just call it growing pleasure.

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This kind of growth is a very important part of my journey, of my recovery and of my life.

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When things happen…we usually have a few choices. We can numb our pain. We can run away from it or we can grow from it. I’m choosing to grow from it.

I have learned so much about myself these past few months. And I have examined myself deeply, my mistakes, my flaws and my part in all of it. And I have realized…that inside of me there is growth.

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Slow and steady…but it is happening.

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I am awakening to my life and the role I play in it. I am no longer a bystander but an active and willing participant. This is my life.

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Beautiful, chaotic, intense, playful, loving, imperfect, serene, silly, messy, bright, and exciting.

But I am wide open. To experience and to feel and to enjoy all of it.

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Growing pains don’t have to hurt. They can instead bring us incredible pleasure and lasting happiness.

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